


Smack Cam

by nonbinarycoded



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Bitters has a prosthetic leg, it's a really great headcanon okay just think about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:29:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3246314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinarycoded/pseuds/nonbinarycoded
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Palomo decides he'll play a prank on Bitters, and makes sure he can't get caught. It was such a good plan on paper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smack Cam

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for this prompt goes to http://themadkingshandmaid.tumblr.com, huge thanks for the great idea!

Antoine Bitters was many things; an ingenious free-thinker if you asked him, a lazy rebel without a cause if you didn't.  
  
He was also an immensely heavy sleeper.  
  
This is why, when Palomo walked carefully over towards his bed and showed off his handful of shaving cream to his helmet cam, Bitters didn't stir. He didn't stir when Palomo took Bitters' prosthetic leg in his other hand and tucked it under his arm. He didn't stir when Palomo began to giggle under his breath as he pulled his arm back. When Palomo yelled, “Smack cam!” and hit Bitters in the face, sending shaving cream flying, that was when Bitters stirred.  
  
Or, no, stirred perhaps wasn't the correct word. 'Bolted upright screaming obscenities at anyone in the area, and anyone not in the area as well' was more accurate. Palomo didn't mean to hesitate long enough for Bitters to see who he was and what was under his arm, but by the time he realized he should definitely be running away Bitters had switched from screaming at anyone he could think of to screaming directly at Palomo.  
  
Bitters cussed out Palomo and every generation of his he could think of, forwards and backwards, as he snatched the cane from under his bed and took off down the barracks after him.  
  
Now, because this was in the barracks at an obscenely early hour of the morning, it wasn't yet light enough for most of the soldiers to see exactly what was going on. They had to rely on Bitters screaming over Palomo's increasingly panicked narration, which went, “Hell yeah, you just got slap cammed, motherfucker! Oh man, that was great, he's never gonna get me! I'm totally safe, he can't catch up! He'll never- OH GOD HE'S GONNA CATCH ME THERE HE IS SHIT-”  
  
This was punctuated by the heavy thud of two bodies hitting the ground, shrieks that sounded like they were coming from Jensen but were actually most likely from Palomo, and louder screaming from Bitters. The sound of a helmet rolling across the floor was just barely muffled by Palomo switching to hysterical apologies, also brutally cut short by several repeated sharp cracks, like the sound of a prosthetic leg slamming into the side of someone's head.  
  
By the time other soldiers woke up more fully and began to complain about the noise, Bitters was already headed back to his bed, muttering, “Idiot soldiers don't know when to leave me the fuck alone, can't they see I'm sleeping? Next motherfucker to touch my leg is getting it rammed up his goddamn-”  
  
Palomo lay whimpering on the floor where he'd been tackled. When he was told to 'stop crying' and that it was his 'own damn fault' by other soldiers, he reached out to find his helmet, going bright red when he realized that yes, it had landed in a position to film everything that had happened.  
  
The next morning, whenever anyone asked about the bruises blossoming up Palomo's neck and cheek, they were directed to Ganoosh, who had the video playing almost on a loop all day as more and more soldiers flocked to see it. Even Kimball came by to see what the commotion was about, and smirked as she told Ganoosh not to let the soldiers see it, despite Palomo's protests. She rubbed the seam where her own prosthetic met skin just under her elbow and sighed, making a mental note to make sure Bitters wasn't planning on revenge.

...Well, nothing too extravagant for revenge.  



End file.
